Sisters

I have an AMAZING sister. Her name is Mischa. She is 7 years older than me.

Lately Mike & I have been talking alot about family..his and mine.,.the faults, the goodness that we see with in both..But one thing always remains the same....

I have an AWESOME sister...and Mike has an awesome sister in Mischa too..I mean.. the 2 of us are as lucky as it come in terms of having her for a sis..SERIOUSLY....

I remember when I was pregnant with Andy, I flew home to Ohio for Christmas & walked in on her & my mom mixing cookie dough & my sister asking about my moms friends....Huh???? I NEVER would think to ask about my mothers friends or social life.. yet my sister did...

We had plans to visit them in DC this summer that didnt work out b/c of travel & my choice to not endure a scary long car ride..My sister & her husband Matt sent Mike a shirt ( and astronaut ice cream!!!) from the space museum that Mike & Matt had plans to visit with a note saying how sorry they were it didnt work out....

My sister sent us a chocolate covered strawberry bouquet for our wedding anniversary...She sends the boys random clothes & little gifts, or me a note to remind me how proud she is of who I am... My sister is quite frankly.. Amazing.

I often remember the night before she got married..she SLEPT ON MY FLOOR.. And I chatted with whatever loser I was dating until bed time when she whispered to me how sorry she was she wasn't a better sister...

I had NO idea she was a "bad" sister until that moment..For some silly reason, she thought that her going to school so far away, or not wanting her goofy young sister to hang out with her & her cool friends made her a bad sister!!!! Isn't that funny??
I never would have thought it if she hadn't said it... I just figured..well..I have this cool sister, who understandably doesn't want her silly little sister hanging out trying to find attention from her friends, or who rummages through her perfume & cover up once shes left for school in the am ( oops..ask me about that one Misch..your CK One perfume..now THAT'S an embarrassing story!!!) I never thought my sister was a bad sister, or selfish, or un caring..I thought she was awesome!! I mean.. geeze..I wouldnt want a little monster tagging along behind me in my teen years either!!!

She does amazing things... I remember when my guinea pig died..my mom was away on business, my dad was at the gym & I held PB until his cold little body was warm again ( I know..sick) and her roomie, Nikki, was woken up by my calling & finally.. Nikki got Mischa on the phone & she FINALLY made me feel a bit better& helped me put PB down until my dad got home.... it didn't matter she was so far away..everything just FELT better...

Mischa was always the good one.. shes so smart..Seriously..the woman is a DOCTOR.. She has a PhD!!! She got PAID to go to school (and a REALLY good school at that!!!!) while I dropped out of my "dream school" for lets face it.. some loser I was dating & wanted to be closer to ( well..that & I couldn't hack chem..lol) She was smart, she was good..she was always everything I wasn't...And we never really connected on that..I mean.. polar opposites...But as I've gotten older..I see alot of similarities in us.. and that fact thrills me, where as a few years ago, it might have terrified me!! Mike asked me tonight "How old was Misch when she got married"" ...23...he said "well..your 24 now..and Claire..your thinking about other people..your thinking about HER.. maybe its just that age..maybe your maturing too..and its not that your the "bad" one, like you say..its just you were young..and its in your genes to be as awesome as Misch but you just needed time to mature to it too!!!" and the thought thrilled me... I love how different we are..but the thought of being compared to my sister is something I never would have aspired to in a MILLION years & that makes me feel AMAZING!!!!

My sister & I are as different as they COME. I mean..wow.. In my eyes, the "naughtiest" thing she has done is get her belly button pierced in college.. I laugh out loud as I remember her admitting to to..LOL!!!
Um..I have 3 tattoos, I've had my top AND bottom of my belly button pierced..my tongue..my nose.. and several places on my ears...(Misch... your visiting in 2 weeks..wanna get matching tattoos!!!?????? heheee)

I recall one convo we had ...I came to talk to her about boys & love & growing up..I started to mature as a young adult......and I realized maybe my sister wasn't as perfect or pristine as I thought she was actually NORMAL too!!!..However...I will STILL stand by the fact that she and her husband have NEVER even been intimate..I mean.. ew.. dude..GROSS..( I still have the most descriptive image of the very very very first time I met Matt in my mind..and thinking "wow..he is COOL!!!!" But that's a different story for a different blog.....)

So..ya know.. I have an amazing sister..I really do..and sometime I struggle with my family...my parents are awesome..but I don't think there is a person out there who doesn't think they could have had it better... I have it alot better than most in terms of my upbringing..but I bet Bill Gates kids ( does he have kids??) think they could have had it better too!! But no matter what issues I struggle with in terms of my family..i always know what an amazing sister I have..She is everything I strive to be in terms of the caring, sensitive,love & kindness, graciousness & compassion that makes a woman... She may be older than me, but I wait for the day that she has children* I rally hope that she does.. because the sense of pride I will have when I am able to teach HER something will be unlike anything else...I've always been the one who was "good" with kids..but when I get to see her with Andy ( she will finally meet Ryan in 2 weeks!!!) my heart aches for her to live closer & to have children of her own... I may be the "maternal" one, but SHE will be an amazing parent in a way COMPLETELY different from me.. and its really my hope that someday she & I live close enough that I am able to be a part of that...She is so silly with my boy, so perfect & Andy loves her SO much it hurts my heart that they aren't closer in distance.. I think when she has children, her images of what being a mother/career wise/goals & plans will all change...and I wont talk to her about that until the day comes b/c I don't want to scare her any more than "OMG he shit on the WALL!!!"

..But I KNOW.. I know who she is..I know whats inside of her...

She is an amazing woman..and she has a WONDERFUL husband.... Matt & I only got to REALLY know eachother since I was preggo with Andy ( I think the Punta Gorda jokes really took the cake in realizing how AWESOME Matt IS!!!!!!) But the 2 of them NEED to be parents....

The love & life & joy they will bring to a child will be so amazing that it cant help but be shared.. It would be a crime not to pass those genes & love into this world..God knows we need smart, beautiful caring people in the future generations!!!!
Misch..I love you.. I have tears in my eyes..but I just.. ((sigh)) I love you.. I appreciate every time you listen to me whine, you listen to me moan or tell you stories, or scare you off from children a little bit more.. I appreciate the cards, the emails & the messages you leave me..I wish I did better..I wish I did more..I wish I WAS better..I mean to be..but with 2 kids..its hard to sometimes..I just want you to know..PUBLICALLY..How much I love, appreciate & admire you. I have looked up to you as long as I can remember..if you were bossing me through Cinderella, or whispering to me through heating vents..No matter WHAT has gone down between us..You ARE my best friend. No one could ever be more to me that you., or mean more to me...I just might stop off at Claire's and pick up a BFF necklace if your not careful....

I love you Misch...I am proud of you. I admire you. I envy you & I look up to you. You are someone to be proud of..and I am proud that you are my sister AND my best friend.

I cant wait to see you in a few weeks.. I wish Matt could come too.. And Andy wishes Flash was here too!! I am DYING to see what he does with a dog bigger than Cassie!! Someday... I'll be rich & be able to buy "a really really big house with alot of blueberry bushes & rooms just for all the homeless kittens.." and... you will live next door..

Until then..I'll miss you..and wish we lived closer...Growing closer to you these last 3 years has made me a better person.Thank you for that... I love ya Misch...

xxooxox

Why every mom needs fresh flowers....

My parents always have fresh flowers on the kitchen table. My dad does the grocery shopping & I always used to unwrap them when he came home & arrange them in a vase & set them on the table..I never thought much about it, sure, they looked & smelled nice.. but that was all.
As I got older & dated, I had my share of flowers from boyfriends, but I never really got the thrill of them.. They die.. I mean..buy me something that isnt going to die in a week if you want to buy me something that badly, ya know???

I always told Mike "flowers just die, dont bother" So he would buy me a potted mineature rose plant instead, or something that isnt living..

Then spring came & I was excited to clip the huge peonies in my back yard, they are one of my favorite scents! Once they died, I was clipping irises, lilies, tulips & all the other flowers that popped up.. I'd arrange them in the wall waves behind the TV, and on the entertainment stand, and on the kitchen table & wow.. I just felt so much happier looking at them every day!!! I finally told Mike 'we will always have fresh flowers at home" and he was like ..yeah whatever..of course..

My parents sent us a dozen gorgeous roses this week "just cause" and they are BEAUTIFUL!!! I had just bought myself a big bouquet of lilies the day before.. so our house is full of beauty & smells amazing..

Then I realized.....


No WONDER I like them so much...

What do you see when you look at this picture??? (Lets play eye spy..Minus the canned tomatoes...((gag))



Ah..you see a half eaten bowl of "car soup", one of Andys flowers ( aka fake) and a bucket full of toys & a HUGE mess..dont you???
Well I see really pretty lilles!!!

What do you see here???





a library card? Dental floss?? Bust the Boogy man Dust? Teething drops perhaps... or maybe the famous book of 2000 stickers ( laundry's worst nightmare)

Nope..I just see some gorgeous roses...

Like they say..denile 'aint just a river in Egypt people..

So go buy yourself some flowers mamas.. and plunk them down where you'll see them often.. and then push the chicken stock thats holding open the baby gate to the side & brush the chex mix off the couch & sit down & breathe in the sweet scent of posies =0)

Well.. we (sort of..) survived the first week back to school!! I've barely found the time to shower much less sit down & email, or blog, or even work this week! Hopefully I'll get a routine going before too long though.

2 days a week Mike has class from 8-10am and then from 8-10pm as well! So he wakes up at 6 something & leaves, sometimes he will come home since it is a 10 hour stretch..but that will also be good for him to do homework down the road..
SO! On those days lucky mommy gets the boys AALLLL to herself ALLL day and ALLLL night!! YIKES. I put them both to sleep myself, which didn't go NEARLY as bad as I expected luckily..

We had banana pancakes one morning..



(Andy is learning to "smile" for the camera!)

Another day we sorted through summer/fall/winter clothes to see what we already have & what we need for both boys...


Apparently Andy is good for boots ;-)
And yes..that is chicken broth holding the gate open..Andy has a love for canned good & there is also a can of tuna that has been sitting on the nightstand for a month now.. Why put it away? It'll just be back out tomorrow....

Another morning we all woke up TOOOO early!!!!



and then after we woke up we covered Ryan with kisses!!

..and it scared him.....


So we just laughed at Andy instead!

Yep..its been quite a week! I've felt happier than I have in awhile.. not sure why, maybe there is just something about being home just the 3 of us that feels special! We've had Mike around all but 1 week after Ryan was born.. now it just feels a bit different, I feel more accomplished after I do the dishes ( which was always Mikes chore until this last week) or when I get both of them down for a nap at the same time & get to sit in QUIET for all of 5 minutes before something else needs to be tended to.. I guess I feel like :wow, I did that all by myself!" and while I really miss Mike & REALLY wish I wasn't doing it all by myself b/c I sure got a lot more free time when he wasn't in class... it just makes me feel happy to know that I'm handling it & we're all enjoying eachother! Hope that makes sense.... But boy..as happy as I am with these kids..there is no greater happiness when Dad walks in the door..and I can hand them to him & get the heck out for a little bit!!! heheee

So.. that's where I've been all week.. hidden under laundry, dishes & diapers! I'll be back, e-mailing, blogging, posting more soon, I hope...Keep commenting me, or mailing me.. just because I don't write you back right away doesn't mean I wont..it just means I don't have the hands to do so at the time, I'll get around to it, eventually!!!

Lesson of the Day...

Never buy from a sales woman who POUTS.

I have only had one job that wasn't in retail sales.. I've done promo work for febreeze, [antene, even Kraft..I was a manager at a Vanity store & I worked at Tommy Hilfiger & DKNY stores...

Pouting isnt attractive, or a way to sell an item people.. its a way to get a piece of candy when your 5, or manipulate a boyfriend when your 17 but it isnt how to be a professional sales person.

I've been wanting a new wedding band since..umm... we got engaged for personal reasons & we finally decided to pick one out. I found a really pretty white sapphire ring (Which between us? Is great b/c it sure looks JUST like diamonds but its suuupperr cheap, hehe) & we got it as the engagament part of the set & when it arrived, it was a bit too big./.Paying for a ring to be sized by Zales is like $30.. a lifetime protection plan, which covers sizing, fixing, stone loss, etc etc is $24. So I took it into the store to get the plan on & have it sized & try on bands with it.. A pushy sales woman starts showing us $8,000 bands.If I order online, I can get $50 off my purchase & I earn points through Mypoints.com but I don't tell her that..I just try them on & note which I want then say "we'll well just do the resizing on this one for today.."
She actually locked her jaw & her cheery tone dissapeared.. Mike & I left the store after paying..um..MORE than $24 for the protection plan & commented on how fast her tune changed! I wondered why the price was different than the price the associate had quoted me on the phone but ..whatever..

So,I order the wedding band with my nifty coupon code & it comes in the mail... its HUGE. The size she told me was an 8 & this was an 8 and it barely stayed on my finger!! I took it in to get the protection plan on it & to pick up my resized ring today & the girl was shocked that the lady told me it needed to be an 8..my finger fits a size 7!! She asked if I wanted theft protection on my warrenty..I said no.. figuring whatever promo I'd gotten to get the theft protection on my other ring was over...then I realized...

No WONDER it was more expensive..the lady added it on (at extra change) with out even telling me & made it sound like "Okay, wow, you even have 2 years of theft protection on this warrenty!" Of which of course Mike & I were like "wow, that's nice" Yeah..we paid for it.. it was an OPTION and we didn't choose it..she chose it FOR us. @@

I should have known when she actually said to me "I want the credit for the sale!" and stuck out her lip after we finally said "look we just wanted to try them on & get a size right now b/c when we do buy, it'll be on line" that she was going to screw us...

What a joke.. Being honest & helpful is the way to make sales people..b/c although customers may not realize it at first.. (most) everyone will realize later they've been lied to, or taken advantage of & I'm the first to tell you... I wont be going back for a purchase..So now I have to wait another 3 weeks for my rings to be resized..AGAIN.. Since she gave the wrong sizes.. and I paid for a plan I don't even want. Sad really..everyone at that store was so nice, cooing over Ryan one day. the other time playing games & showering Andy with atention.. One selfish greedy person can go & ruin an entire opinion on a store ..

Sort of like CVS.. But that's a story for a different day.. I wont discuss THAT one publicly til we have a conversation with the man that will be returning my call regarding a little incident that occurred this Monday...

Today Is a Good Day!

We woke up at 10am.. Andy was crying "Show me Mommy! Mommm..shoow me!!" and Mike brought him to snuggle & unt with his glowing PJ's on & we snuggi-ed in bed for awhile as we all woke up.
Mike made some of his good french press coffee & my dad randomly called & asked to stop by for a visit! (HUGE suprise, pretty cool!)
Andy & his PawPaw read some books & danced & sang some songs & I put Ryan down for a nap.. then PawPaw left & Andy went down for a nap..I had some good Italian Wedding soup & laid on the couch in the breeze of the window reading the end of my book & smelling my favorite tart scent (blueberry buckle) from The Tart Shack
The boys are still asleep & I just have a big smile on my face & am looking forward to tonight when my wonderful husband will be home from his second day of Fall classes =0)

I am a lucky, lucky lady.

Sierra & Hailey

I have 2 AMAZING Best friends....Sierra & Hailey.
The funny thing is, that's how I think of them "SierraAndHailey" not as 2 separate people..
And even funnier?? I've never met either one of them in real life!!!

I met Sierra on the AOL "Due in July 2006" message board..we didn't click at first but by some strike of fate we ended up chatting..I believe it was making fun of knocked up cheerleaders?? (eek) And we've been chatting ever since..

Hailey was "referred" to me for my cloth diapering expertise by another amazing friend, Kayla, and I actually denied her request for MySpace friendship at first.. haha.. I mean, come on..I had NO idea who she was!!

I still to this fay cant remember for th elife of me how we all 3 started talking, but someone, we became the 3 Musketeers!! (LOVE chocolate!!!) and the 3 of us have exchanged at many as 200 emails per day! We talk about everything from bathroom decor to ..uhm..family troubles.. ;-) ..to teething to vaccinations to how we all cope when we're mad at our husbands to our past lives before motherhood.. We all have kids, we all have husbands & we all have extremely crazy weird up & down lives.. But somehow, we can write an email.. venting our thoughts, our feelings, our issues & no one has to reply..we can send a (((hug))) and it doesn't matter there are no other words..because we all 3 know EXACTLY how the other feels & just having had the other parties even Read the words, is enough for us ( or at least it is for me, lol)

Sierra I've *known& the longest..We have along withstanding date for Vegas baby.. She is a smart, loving, Faithful ( with a capitol F) woman. She is a nurturing,m understanding, kind mother, wife & human. For those who know me, you know how I feel about organized religion..but Sierra is the type of person who has made me envy her faith, her passion & her love for Jesus. She's made me feel envious of the love, the devotion that she has for her step daughter, as I dont know that I could EVER feel the way she does. She's shocked me with her graciousness & stunned me with nervous giggly phone calls & surprise gifts in the mail.. She is truly one of a kind...

Hailey is so different.. She came along a bit after Sierra & she was an un likely candidate for a best friend as any!! She is likely my polar opposite, yet I feel a bond with her like no other..The first time we talked on the phone I was more at ease that I've been with ANYONE since I met my best friend ( in real life) Shannon. She makes me laugh with her utter honesty & sincerity's. She grew up in Utah & has lived a life completely opposite mine, yet she is SO similar to me its amazing. Sher is strong, brave & smart. She hasn't had a particularly easy battle in front of her when it comes to her family, but shes grasped it with such grace & an open mind that it shocks me sometimes. She is so easy to talk to, and always bombards you with billions questions so you cant help but feel cared about for the fact that someone honestly wants to know whats going on in your life.. She is special in ways I cant even being to describe in written words..

These 2 woman have truly shaped me in ways beyond words in the last 2 years.. When I came home from the hospital from having Ryan, worn down & white as a sheet, I had all these crazy packages waiting for me on my table from them.. We've exchanged cards, pictures, gifts, advice, knowledge & most importantly..friendship & LOVE throughout these last few years..

I just wanted to take a minute to acknowledge how lucky I am to have these beautiful souls in my life.. and how GRATEFUL I am to have them.. They are there for me in the depths of despair.. and they are there for me in the height of happiness!! I absolutely love the 2 of them with all my heart..and the 3 of us have MAJOR plans for the future ( right ladies????? I still have the account #..just waiting on the transfers..then the house is OURS..lol) I am a lucky lucky woman to have found 2 such best friends in this crazy, bitter, jealous web of women who lurk on message boards, forums & what not & proclaim to be fabulous mothers when they are nothing more than silly high scholars posed as mothers!

You guys have been my ROCK OF LOVE!!!

((smooches))

ugh.

What a day.. I guess I'll start from the beginning...

A few years ago I picked at this little cut/scratch/whatever on my leg & it scarred & I always thought ( since i'm rather shallow, admittedly) that it wasnt super attractive. So, I asked my doctor about it at a visit I had anyway last Monday.She said its a really common effect, something just doesnt heal right & leaves this little raised scar.. They often burn them off with a cryo treatment, do I want to try it?
Uhm, sure! Who cares that your going to burn my flesh off, I mean.. if it'll get rid of the scar, duh!

So in the nurse comes & explains the longer I can "take it" the better.. so I really let the lady dish it out, I let her do the max alloted time on a piece of skin b/c as much as it hurt, my vanity is quite worth it.. Even the student watching was like "OMG you must have a high pain tolerance!!!" Not really.. just vain..

So anyway! As she finishes she walked out the door with a casual "so in a few minutes it'll start to hurt much much worse than it does right now.."

Awesome. Thanks bunches lady.

OMG It KILLED.. But I didnt touch it, even when it blistered & I was DYING to pop it..I left it alone! (tough for me, I'm a picker!)

So, that was 10 days ago & the thing just feels warm & looks red, and it HURTS.. So I called the doctor b/c its obviously infected..Neosporin isnt doing crap for it.
The nurse asks if I have a fever "well then how can you be sure it is infected?" Uhm.. My sister said to this "because you'd really WAIT til you have a fever from it??" Idiot nurse...

So my doctor is on vacation & her partner is gone so "I'd go to a med center, you dont want that sitting on your leg if it is infected" Thanks.. loads.

So I go to med center & thats a WHOLE different story..YIKES.I wont even start but ya know thos epeople who choose the chair NEXT to you when the whole room is empty?? I hate those people.. I really really do..especially when they talk to you.....

But anyway..basically a really... elderly...nurse practioner listens to every single inch of my back while I do those stupid deep breaths & then my chest..I kid you not..she even put the thing on my BOOB. When she was done she was like "well ,those are good" Which after listening to my boobs..I was like "huh.." but she was so old she didnt mean it like that, but Mike & I got a good laugh anyway!!

So she starts talking & since I'm allergic to everything under the sun it leaves one family of antibiotics left..and it isnt safe for a nursing mother.. Go figure. So she starts talking about a culture.. and swabs my nasty wound & then I'm thinking..culture..what?? So I ask exactly what that will entail & she explains how they will try to grow it & if it grows, they will place it in several petry dishes to see what antibiotics kill it.. Ew.. Okay..So she starts talking about how if its MRSA that I can have the sulfa, but the only thing is in the dose I'd need it, I'd need to keep an eye on the baby for a reaction & I just freak out..WHAT the hell is this woman TALKING about!!! I havent been feeling good this last week either..could that be a side effect?? AM I GOING TO DIE?!?!??!?!

So..long story shot, a doctor comes in ( the chatty guy I've met when my doctor was on maternity leave, go figure) and they have a 120 minute conversation with eachother about the chains that make the difference in ceclor & erythromycin.. Exilerating... Finally he Rx'd me a Z-Pak & told me " it really shouldnt give you hives, most people with penecillian allergies do ok with it, but you might get a bad stomach ache"
Which of course..It did..

So now my wild imagination gets to wait til Saturday for the results to find out if my leg is going to fall off with MRSA due to my vain shallow self.. ((sigh)) Only me does this nonsense happen to!!! She said she'd nearly 90% sure it isnt, but they woul djust want to be cautious since it has been out in the public the last year or 2.. Gross!!

And the best part? As I left she laughs "I dont even know why they cryo anymore.. when I see anyone in family practice, I just send them to have it lasored off if they need scar removal.. its painless, Cryo is just brutal, it really burns your skin!"

..Thanks...



So yeah..EXCITING huh???????


To cheer us all up from my disgusting morning adventure we all went to the park tonight, Andy ran around & I laid on a blanket with Ryan for all of 10-15 minutes til we all got eaten by bugs & the weird kid rolling glass balls acrossed his body's friends showed up..Then we got ice cream.Yay!!



My Favorite!



Andy & Mike




Andy insisted on wearing his cow poke hat... Yee Haw!





Ah..between the bugs, the possible MRSA outbreak & a usual case of Andy fits over ice cream & leaving his stick behind at the park.. Today was an adventure!! Tomorrow we're thinking about going to Bridal Falls.. now THAT could be interesting!!!!!!!

Silly brothers

Oh my..

Tonight Andy crawled up into his bed, patted it & asked "Mom set" "Mom, bed" and I said "Daddy will set set buddy!' And when Mike sat down next to him, he laid down & said "snuggy??(snuggle)"I got him his water, his dog & horsey ( nap time necessities) and he rolled over & reached around for Mike to snuggle him..He told me 'Night..and like that, my baby was a boy.. ready to go to bed by himself!
While I nurse Ryan & put him to bed, Mike snuggled Andy & then came out shortly aftert & said he was asleep..
I guess he's growing up.. I know this is a good thing, for my sleep's sake if nothing else, but its kind of sad for me... Ya know???

No more second guessing...

So.. I wrote this blog entry last night.. I was feeling really emotional for some reason & remembering alot of past memories vividly & poured my heart out in this entry & then woke up feeling kind of stupid..I didnt know who had read it so I deleted it & then a super amazing friend of mine told me ho wmuch she liked it & how special it was that I shared my feelings, the other half of that friendship trio (Claire,Hailey & Sierra) who didnt get to read it said she wished she had but they both agreed they've done the same.. poured it all out & then deleted later..

So..I'm going to re-post it..and from now on I'm not going to delete my posts. This is who I am & I shouldnt feel stupid or embarrassed or ashamed about my thoughts. If someone is reading this & they dont like what they read, its really quite simple..DONT READ IT. But its my place, my space, my blog & I should say what I want when I want.. so..

Here it is..

For some reason, tonight my most vivid memories are flashing through my mind..I know in this blog, I usually talk about family & kids, but its also sort of *my place* where I can be ME, an adult, a person, not just mom...So here goes..My first memory is when I was 3 ( I think?) We lived in B.L and I remember walking towards the center of the driveway.. towards Betsy..the dog who lived in a dog house & belonged to our upstairs neighbors... She hit me in the chest, i felt the wetness on my face that I was sure was blood as the air was sucked out of me& I thought "this is it, I'm dying" as she knocked me to the ground.. Oh.. wait.. what was this?? A tongue?? Oh.. Betsy was licking me! Huh... All I remember is the moment of fear & then the realization that she LIKED me! Ands all was good in the world.. That's my very first memory.My second involves pink bathroom stalls & waiting to go potty while my mom talks to movers in the same house, which she assures me, there were no bathroom stalls in our home, much less pink..So my mind obvious created this one on its own.Next, I remember my dad & I going to Boarders. At the time, the closest one was somewhere towards Cleveland. I have really vivid memories of the long drive, my spending hours in the kids store & walking over to the adult store in this tiny strip mall. I always joke that I didn't grow up on playgrounds & BBQ's, I grew up in bookstores & dinner parties that involved 6 types of lettuce. It was just me & my dad & it was in the middle of winter. Just the 2 of us drove up & I picked out a book of some sort, probably the baby sitters club, or sweet valley girls.. On the way back we got into a small cart accident, right on a tiny over pass, you know, the type that goes over a creek. I remember being TERRIFIED that we could have gone over, imagining us drowning in whatever water lurker below.. The other party got into our car so my dad & his could exchange info as it was blizzard like outside by then & I remember I didn't move one single muscle from then until we got home. I remember the tan car we had & exactly where my foot, outside of its shoe rest on the door.. It was numb by the time we got home but I was so scared I couldn't move. Looking back, it was just a minor bump but as a kid, it scared the day lights out of me!the other really vivid thing I recall is D.A.R.E class..Do you remember those??? Fourth grade..I remember going home & sitting on the step by the living room with my mom, extremely serious feeling, watching my dad watch the evening news with a glass of wine & feeling scared ( the news had ALWAYS scared me, I still don't watch it & I forbid Mike to even discuss current affairs with me) and bursting into tears telling my mom that every time my dad took a sip of wine it killed brain cells. I would laugh out loud right now, but I'm scared I might wake the kids. As much alcohol as I've consumed since that moment, it should be hilarious, but at the moment, I was terrified. I had this image of my dad being brain dead b/c I mean come on..you tell a fourth grader that every sip kills brain cells.. Well, really? I may be smart and all, but that sure makes you worry, if you sip that glass 10 times, how much of your brain I REALLY dying!! Its scary stuff for a kid. sheesh! No wonder I wasn't a drinker in high school like so many kids were!!On to the next..High School, Freshman year prom.. Lets be honest..I dated some (ok ALL) real losers before I met Mike..My first *real* boyfriend, we'll call him J. He was my date to the high school homecoming, my first formal dance!!! I was 14 years old & he was older.. We'll cut through a painful sad story & say this..He stood me up..I'm talking lead me on until I was sitting there, looking out the window, my hair & makeup done & my dress on just knowing..he wasn't coming..That's a very very long sick story, but I was there at the dance, with a "friend" (right @@) and her date and everyone KNEW. This teacher walked up to me, and put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was OK. And for the first time all night, I was. Something about her made me feel OK. I told her I was & the nightmare of an evening went on. The next week at school she stopped me. Leslie, was her name..Leslie Leonard. she remembered me. I knew enough to know she only taught seniors, but she remembered me, my name & she wanted to make sure I was ok. I am fighting back tears as I write this. But something about her just made me feel SPECIAL. I waited the next few years until I was a senior myself, so I could take her class. Senior Seminar. A class about making the teens worthy contributors to society. She became my mentor. We talked during lunch about the bad relationship I was in, she told me about her first husband & how she'd finally left him one day & found the love of her life!! How they went to the big horse races, how she had beautiful children & how she had found happiness after all her sorrow. She was like a mother to me & I loved her with all my heart. She touched me from out of no where at age 14 and held on for so long after words. That senior year she made a HUGE impact on me, guiding me, listening to me. While she was like a mother to me, she could also hear things a daughter could never tell her own mother. She made me proud of myself, and made me believe in myself. She was an amazing amazing woman. She lead her beliefs to Washington DC, she fed her beliefs about making the world better through the youth of our school.. She inspired me every day I knew her.That leads me to my next vivid memory that forever is etched into my mind..I had gone to see Leslie to surprise her when I moved home from OU. I came into her classes silent hour & she was so surprised, we hugged & she showed me a gorgeous engagement ring. He'd finally proposed!! I'd never seen her so happy!! We talked & made lunch plans. Stupid me of course, had a loser boyfriend & I probably got hung over or God knows what & ended up canceling our lunch plans & telling her we'd reschedule...Isn't that how it always works?A week or 2, maybe a month? Who knows..I remember sitting next to my loser of a boyfriend in major traffic while we complained how we'd be late for class at the U of A. What the hell could be causing THIS much back up??? We got to class, went home later & probably went out for a long night of drinking as we so often did.. I got a message from my mom in the morning asking her to call me & when I returned her call I found out that traffic jam was because someone had had a very major car accident. A death. And it was Leslie. I remember exactly where I was standing, what I was looking at & every single thing about that day. I remember going to a party later that week & hearing a kid joke about the lady who was decapitated by the truck & choking as I told him that woman was like a second mother to me & where exatcly he could stick his jokes.I think about her all the time. I have a silver angel that I look at & think of her & my grandmother ( B's g-ma too...) and the meaning she helped me find in my life.. I don't even know what else to say, I feel so choked up thinking about her right now.. i went to her calling hours & the meeting with her fiance was too much for me, and for him as well. And I didn't go to her funeral, I couldn't..Isn't it odd? How the most vivid memories people can have usually seem to pertain to something scary, or sad? Why is that?? Sometimes I look at Ryan, I look at his tiny fingers or toes or listen to the coos he makes & I try to picture Andy in his place, as he was just a year or so ago practically. And sadly, I almost cant. I have the pictures, I know the memories are there, but they're so hard to recreated perfectly, yet the bad things, the things that worry, or scare you. That traumatize you, or upset you, you can recall with perfect detail at the snap of a finger...What a depressing entry huh?? I don't know what it was, but something tonight just made me feel emotional, lucky & grateful. Happy to have the husband that I do. Happy to have a kind, GOOD, loving man to be with every day..to have 2 healthy, beautiful, lovely boys.. And as I laid there & thought of that, my most strong, vivid memories all came flooding to me.. and I guess I just wanted to share them, with you, with myself, with whoever reads this. Maybe saying things, or writing them helps, I've always been a writer, I have probably written a million letters to people which have never been received.. But the fact of getting it out, in written words has always somehow made me feel relieved..So there it is.. My first, strongest & most vivid memories in my 24 years of life.. Having Andy & Ryan are in there too, but somehow, they don't fall into these categories..those are memories of a different kind.. Traumatic, crazy, special memories are of their births.. these are a different type.. maybe more painful ( if that's possible) but in some ways, the ones that I first think of, which i reflect on things that shaped me into who I am today..((Sigh)) What a load right?? I almost feel like I should be putting this in a diary ( if I had one!) instead of here..But screw it..PUBLISH POST.

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Tonight Andy is going to sleep in his room.

Neither of my children have slept in a crib a night (or day) in their entire short, sweet lives. Andy, right from the start, didnt give me a choice. I had no intention of co-sleeping with him. In fact, when I was pregnant Mike said "well, his crib will start out in our room right?" and I laughed.
He did start in a sleeper thing next to the bed.. for an hour or so.. Then it quickly became apparent that if I wanted any sleep at all, it would be holding him on my chest while I slept, or passing out while feeding him & being startled when I woke up to him slumped over my stomach (oops)
So.. I wised up & started laying down while nursing him at night & sure enough. We got an incredible amount of sleep. So incredible when a friend of mine whos son is 2 months older was waking up at 6am, I shocked her with telling her that Andy & I sleep in til 11 some days!

Yes..it was nice.. But when I got pregnant night time took a turn for the worse. Thats a whole long story that I'm sure not everyone needs to hear.. But the point is..Night times are getting bad again.

So much that Andy is waking asking for UNT hourly, and throwing kicking screaming fits that wake Ryan & leave all of us awake and VERY crabby at 5 or 6 am.

So.. tonight we've laid out some sleeping bags next to the bed, and Mike will sleep in there with Andy for as long as it takes to get him comfortable & confident enough to sleep on his own..

Its my fault that hes the way he is, I *trained* him to be that way, to nurse him back to sleep, to snuggle against me at night, to know if he wakes, I'm there ready tp provide what he wants.. I said I couldnt do that with Ryan, but I do the same, every night. He's slept on the other side of me every night since we came home from the hospital. I call my bedroom "Mims Bed of Boys" (Mim being what Andy used to call me) and I sleep every night sandwiched between my 2 beautiful sons. I guess its hard to change from what you know, I dont believe in letting children "cry it out" so I soothe them myself, which for my kids, often is nursing. So I spoise thats why I have a 2 year old who cant sleep through the night.

As I laid in the big bed tonight, with Ryan in Andys usual spot, preparing for an unusually quiet, (and lots of room to sprawl out!) sleep, I found myself realizing..

I'm terrified about how tonight will go.. not because i'm worried it will go badly, but because I'm worried it will be fine. It feels like losing my "baby" in some ways, and I'm just not ready for that.

4 Months

Yesterday Ryan was 4 months old! Can you believe it??

Here are some pictures of him from yesterday...





I love that face!!



And here is one from today..
(Sierra, thats the Rock the Cradle shirt from you, Its SO cute!)


Andy reading a book to Ryan...



I make cute kids, eh?

We're alive!!!

What a busy last week or so.. Its the final week of Mikes summer chem class so he's been SO busy with that that any spare moments I sure haven't spent on the computer..I spend them hiding from my children, trying to find silence.

So lets see..whats new...

The kittens are fine.




I'll save you the long dramatic guesstimate of what we think happened to them.. But they're back & we are still obsessed with them..Mike & I actually chased them around the yard the other night trying desperately to catch one so we could "pet pet pet" it! We actually scared one so bad it ran into the fence....oops...Our neighbor still hates us though, no idea why..

Andy had his 2 year well baby check.. Hes 30 pounds and 38.6 inches tall. He is "Taller than the average 3 year old" ..As if we didn't know that already! We've been watching kids smaller than him WALK since he was 6 months old!! However.... as tall as Andy is at 2 years old..Here is a comparison of how tall Ryan is at barely 4 months old....



Iiii Knoooww!!! (in the Rachael Ray voice) He's already almost up to Andy's shoulders!! That outfit Ryan is wearing was Andy's... He wore it around his first birthday, its 24 months!!!


Here is a picture of Ryan with our dog, Echo...



He was stroking her..it was adorable.

This is Andy at around 6 months with her...



(omg I have tried 60 times to resize this picture and I just cant, so.. sorry!!)

That's actually, probably the closest picture I have that they look even remotely similar.
Some people say they look alike, but truly, they don't. Andy had a THICK head of black straight hair. Ryan has curly light brown/blondish hair. He has a good amount of hair compared to some babies, but its nothing like Andy's was.
Ryan's face is a bit longer, where Andy's is rounder. Andy had HUGE eyes right from the start & Ryan has slightly more almond shaped eyes. The difference in their eyes is Andy always looked wide awake & sort of wild eyed when he actually is just waking up, Ryan looks very sleepy & like he can barely pry his eyes open when he awakes.

Andy was an easy baby but Ryan is much easier.. The only thing we've done different with Ryan is a different vaccination schedule. Andy wasn't at all into solid food until he was close to a year old, Ryan is already reaching for things.

Ah.. I'll stop drifting off into mommy land.. Its just so interesting, and weird, and special having more than one child. The comparing, the realization that it IS possible to love 2 children the same.. Its crazy I tell you, CRAZY.

Heres my 2 favorite new pictures...









I'll try to do better keeping updates!! (how many times this year do you think I'll promise this, anyone want to bet??)

Tata!!!

The Zoo

Forwarning- when you look at the pics..note Andys gorgeous haircut..Mike *faded* his hair last night =0X
After seeing these pics of how it looks in the daylight I took manicure scissors to it while he took a nap today, LOL. Yikes!


Well, we decided to take Andy out for a day of just him, Daddy & me & leave Ryan with my mom for a morning..We thought we'd head over to the zoo! No, not the big one, the smaller one closer to where we live.. I believe the last time I was there I was probably 7 & it was mostly a petting zoo, but I heard its been re-done so we thought we'd check it out..

Let me just start by saying..I really have a soft spot for animals & for some reason, I never remember how cruel the zoo truly is until I get there & then I feel guilty the whole time for paying & supporting this sad sad place..But let me say..HOLY CRAP. This one made me feel like CRAP!! I mean, the animals spots were SOOO tiny, the jaguar was apane of glass away from a goat..Thats just sick & twisted! The large zoo near us is pretty nice, they have a really lareg amoutn of animals & they have more for area for them to be in, to play, explore..I mean..as much as you can at a zoo, ya know? That goodness this small one doesnt have elephants, I'd hate to see where they kept THEM!


So.. for those of you who recall, Mike & I had a really hard time decided what hospital to use when we had Ryan..they're both basically in the ghetto & we live in the redneck part of our town for petes sake.. So.. this zoo is literally like a block from the hospital we chose.. if that says anything and its literally SMACK in the middle of the ghetto. I'm talking condemned houses ghetto people, not an overexagerated Claire version of the ghetto!!

I kid you not, when we left, we pulled up to a stop light & the boarded up gas station acrossed the intersection had several young men hanging out in it.. We sat there at the light & I was like "Mike...i think his pants are down" Mike goes "Sure are, around his ankles!" We thought maybe it was the droopy look..until I saw his hand reach around his backside..Dude was pooping. Seriously. Mike decided the light had taken long enough & made a wise choice to just go through the red light..I mean seriously.. Sit at a light for 20 minutes & watch some 17 year old poop.. or just go? Yeah..

So.. Yeah.. it was interesting..to say the least....

On that cheery note..Heres some pics!




























































































Seriously though..other than the animals being seriously depressed, you couldnt tell you were inside the crappy end of town..except for a few exibits that you could see boarded up houses behind & even a highway (right behind the bald eagles, of all places..Gooooo America!!!) But uh.. Yeah..we had fun, cranky Andy & Daddy & all.. Next time we'll go to the GOOD zoo! lol

Edit To Add;
I almost forgot!! On the way TOO the zoo this gigantic curly blonde man in some funky black drapey cloth thing gets out of a parked car, comes to our car & knocks..Mike cracks the window & this scandanavian thickly accented somesortof man of the cloth asks for directions, then just turns & walks away. Weeiirrd!!!!!