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Tonight Andy is going to sleep in his room.

Neither of my children have slept in a crib a night (or day) in their entire short, sweet lives. Andy, right from the start, didnt give me a choice. I had no intention of co-sleeping with him. In fact, when I was pregnant Mike said "well, his crib will start out in our room right?" and I laughed.
He did start in a sleeper thing next to the bed.. for an hour or so.. Then it quickly became apparent that if I wanted any sleep at all, it would be holding him on my chest while I slept, or passing out while feeding him & being startled when I woke up to him slumped over my stomach (oops)
So.. I wised up & started laying down while nursing him at night & sure enough. We got an incredible amount of sleep. So incredible when a friend of mine whos son is 2 months older was waking up at 6am, I shocked her with telling her that Andy & I sleep in til 11 some days!

Yes..it was nice.. But when I got pregnant night time took a turn for the worse. Thats a whole long story that I'm sure not everyone needs to hear.. But the point is..Night times are getting bad again.

So much that Andy is waking asking for UNT hourly, and throwing kicking screaming fits that wake Ryan & leave all of us awake and VERY crabby at 5 or 6 am.

So.. tonight we've laid out some sleeping bags next to the bed, and Mike will sleep in there with Andy for as long as it takes to get him comfortable & confident enough to sleep on his own..

Its my fault that hes the way he is, I *trained* him to be that way, to nurse him back to sleep, to snuggle against me at night, to know if he wakes, I'm there ready tp provide what he wants.. I said I couldnt do that with Ryan, but I do the same, every night. He's slept on the other side of me every night since we came home from the hospital. I call my bedroom "Mims Bed of Boys" (Mim being what Andy used to call me) and I sleep every night sandwiched between my 2 beautiful sons. I guess its hard to change from what you know, I dont believe in letting children "cry it out" so I soothe them myself, which for my kids, often is nursing. So I spoise thats why I have a 2 year old who cant sleep through the night.

As I laid in the big bed tonight, with Ryan in Andys usual spot, preparing for an unusually quiet, (and lots of room to sprawl out!) sleep, I found myself realizing..

I'm terrified about how tonight will go.. not because i'm worried it will go badly, but because I'm worried it will be fine. It feels like losing my "baby" in some ways, and I'm just not ready for that.